What to accept? The correct way

Acceptance is the key to live.
However, there is a correct type of acceptance.

The correct type of acceptance is to accept whatever happened in the past and also whatever is happening in the present but not what will happen in the future.

We do not know what will happen in the future. Therefore, we cannot accept what will happen in the future. We can accept it once it happens, that is, it comes to the present
or will be left in the past.

Generalizing from the past to the future and accepting it is futile. It is a fallacy. It happens sometimes and it doesn't at other times. The only thing we can do for the future is to hope or to believe. We can also want what may happen in the future. Accepting what may
happen in the future is too much. However, being ready to accept is ok.

There is no danger with accepting what happened in the past (assuming you have correct knowledge) unless it leads to the acceptance of the future. For the future, there is a danger with accepting. If we accept negative things in the future, we may actually facilitate them to happen. If we accept positive things in the future, this is a too strong of an expectation. When they do not happen, we will feel disappointed. That is negative by itself and will bring no good or good less than optimal.

Believing is different than acceptance and it is a complex subject. It is out of scope of this article.

When you cannot do something, what should you say to yourself?

When you cannot do something, you may have a default negative thought about it.
You may say: "I couldn't get it right, how unable I am" or something like that and get disappointed and frustrated. The disappointment and frustration is due to your perception.
To feel good, you need to change it.

What should you say then?
The key: Always focus on the positive. In the current and in the future.
Caution: Do not compare yourself to others.

For example, if you are writing a paper and wrote a paragraph instead of two in half an hour, instead of saying "jeez, I only wrote 1 instead of 2". Say instead "hey, I wrote 1 paragraph, how cool is that!"

You can always find negatives and positives. Since negatives lead to bad feelings, why not focus on the positive? You have to focus on something and you need to choose. So, choose positive.

The fact is that this thought changing process is itself an exercise and you may fail in it, too.
It is recursive but it is not enough to stop you from changing it.

The key of the key: You could always, ALWAYS, find something positive about the situation. ALWAYS. Believe this and prove it to yourself (find evidence).
That will create a sustainable source of positive energy.

There is a positive aspect common to all situations. If you don't find a positive aspect on your own, use this common one by default. It is as follows: Suppose you tried everything you could and it didn't work. Then, the fact is this: You are so good at disappointing yourself. Actually, this is an amazing ability.
It takes time and practice for someone to learn how to disappoint themselves. In fact, you add to your practice every time you do it! But, focus on the positive. You are so able. You are able to "disappoint". However negative the outcome, you couldn't get it without the skill. So, since you got the skill, you are able to be skilled.

You can use this as follows. So, when you cannot do something and you have negative thoughts to disappoint yourself, think:
"Hey, I am so good at disappointing myself with my negative thinking.
I am so good that I can do it instantly. Wow! Amazing ability! I'm so able and I practice it often.
I cannot imagine what success I would have if I could use this ability to benefit myself.
If I could make myself happy, persistent, confident, wise, etc. by using this ability of doing it over and over (persistence) and practice it, I could so much more approach the things I want."

Stop here. You have already accomplished something!! You already did something good to solve the problem, a step toward what you want! Recognize that and appreciate it:
"Wow! I can't believe but I did it. I recognized the negative thought and recognized my ability to persist and practice. And I know this is a step towards getting what I want. I already did a step. That's wonderful."

However small, you always, ALWAYS have the RIGHT to appreciate it. Use it! Go ahead and appreciate everything you do good. There is nothing you could do that is all bad. So, you are actually safe. This method works in all circumstances because you can always find something positive; ALWAYS.

An icing on the cake is downward comparison with yourself.
Sometimes you can do this and sometimes not. It's ok. Use it whenever appropriate.
For example, if you write 1 paragraph instead of 2 in half an hour, say:
"Hey I wrote 1 paragraph. It is better than 0. I could have written nothing. But I didn't. I actually wrote 1 (stress it here), 1 paragraph. Amazing."

Does it sound silly? Then, the more you should do. You can also say then:
"Wow. How silly this is. I am so able that I can do it even if it sounds silly. And, it works!!!" And it does, doesn't it? If it doesn't, it will. Keep doing it.

When should you start incorporating negative aspects into your thoughts (to make the learning process faster by using it as feedback)?
Only when you have enough positive energy built up, so much that you have high self-esteem established already.
Until you get there, ignore negative things. They won't benefit you.

How to eliminate jealousy

You have your best ability to do things where you have your most motivation.
You will have your most motivation where your most needs and/or abilities are.

If looking at somebody's success makes you feel bad about yourself,
either of the two is possible:
1) You are working on the wrong things.
2) Your thinking is wrong.

1) Ask yourself. Are you working on the things that you are supposed to work on?
Those things are the things that you are committed (and hopefully are in your best interest; for, if not, you shall finish or terminate that commitment gracefully as soon as possible and move on the right track.) or the things that you would love to work, or the things that will lead you to the things you would love to work.
If the answer is NO, you found your answer for your jealousy. You are not getting the success you deserve and therefore you are jelaous. Understand it and your jelaousy will diminish.
Then, work on the things you are supposed to work on and understand that you are on your way, and your jealousy will evaporate completely.
If it doesn't, the reasons are a combination of the following:
a) You are still not working on the things you are supposed to.
b) The next reason.

2) Your thinking is wrong.
Ask yourself. Are you doing your best?
Doing your best is less than or equal to doing your max. Doing your best is doing whatever you could do optimally, not more, and not less. If you are doing your best, you are doing optimal. How can you be jelaous? Don't worry about things that you don't have control over. Work on things that you have control over.

If you are still jelaous, then:
a) You are assuming something that is not true.
Maybe you think this person got this success with less effort than is the reality. (If s/he is lying to you, by the way, that's her/his problem. Don't take it personally.) Consider such possibilities. It can be a combination of things. It could be that s/he has a special ability. So what? You have other special abilities, too. If you don't know them, find them and work them. Then the issue becomes item (1). If you want somebody's special ability, that's a wrong wish. You really don't want that special ability; you want the results; isn't that true? If it is true, this is the way to get it. Work your special abilities. The other way of wishing or trying somebody else's special abilities is either near to impossible in your lifetime, or very costly. Whatever ability it is, if it is so costly, not near optimal, it won't serve you well; for, you deserve to be successful, happy, etc.

b) You are still thinking wrong.
Sometimes, thoughts become automatic. When the wrong ones are like this, it will also take some time to catch them and change them. It will take time. Understand this and this will help you to be patient, for there is no more optimal way than this. In other words, this is the best way.
The main guideline to eliminate automatic negative thoughts is this:
Every time you have the jelaous feeling, be prepared to know that you probably just had an automatic thought. Focus on this idea, find the thought and challenge it. It will dematerialize every time. After a while, either this dematerialization will become automatic and cancel out the prior one, or the prior thought will not come any more. In both cases, you win.

Performance anxiety due to misaligned task

Performance anxiety results from illogical thoughts. Identifying these thoughts and understanding the illogical thoughts will kill the performance anxiety (high five!).

The main thought is that to evaluate oneself through performance. If the performance is good, then the value of self is perceived high through the ability to control one's own commitments.
If it is low, then the value of self becomes low. This creates a problem and a vicious circle because this decreases self-esteem, which in turn, causes performance to remain low. Another possible risk in this situation is possible social comparisons with close ones. If close friends, colleagues perform well in their own tasks, the person may be compelled to think that something is wrong with him/her, which will decrease self-esteem even further.
One needs to spend horrendous amounts of energy to overcome this situation with these continued underlying beliefs.

Here is one major possibility why the thoughts are illogical: Performance is a result of mostly how suited the task is for personal purposes. If it is not aligned with personal purposes, there will be low motivation to pursue them. Performance is largely affected from motivation. Motivation is energy. If one doesn't have motivation, s/he won't have enough energy to progress the task in an optimal pace. Therefore, the performance will decrease. So, it is not so much about one's ability to perform (especially if there is evidence that this person has performed well for other tasks in the past). It is simply due to a misalignment (i.e. bad choice of task or bad situation that makes the person have to choose the task). This misalignment itself cannot be attributed to a personal inability as well. It is usually out of control and has not much to do with one's ability to perform.

Recognizing this will first make one recognize that the low performance is not due to one's inability. So, the self-esteem is recovered. Also, once one recognizes that misalignment of purposes, this will kill the social comparisons with close ones (especially if those close ones are content with the tasks they are progressing with). Being content in itself is not a result of good performance but vice versa (good performance is a result of being content with one's task).

Of course, this is only one major reason for performance anxiety. There could be other types of illogical thoughts; however, this is the recipe for a major one.

What shall one do?
One shall complete the task as soon as possible with the recovered self-esteem and then try to switch to a task that s/he is content with. One could also support this with the thought that the world is not a place to do any tasks that come to us but to utilize our full potential and therefore we shall do the tasks we like or love and try to avoid as much as possible the ones that are unpleasant (at least for the long run, such as career, etc.).